Strike Commando (1987 90 minutes)

Strike Commando is an Ass Kicker. Your whole damn army couldn't beat him. Probably the only ones who would stand a chance would be those 2 guys from that Contra game for the old NES. He's on a mission to blow a bunch of stuff up when the colonel leaves him for dead, luckily he gets rescued by some rebels and Father Le Due and nursed back to health. He finds evidence of the Dirty Russians getting involved in this war and makes it back to HQ. Of course the stupid colonel wants more proof and sends him back into the bush where  he finds that the rebels have all been massacred by that evil bastard Jakota, the Russian leader. In the world's most touching scene, he gives a dying boy the Disneyland speech, with it's popcorn trees, cotton candy, rivers of ice cream, and a Magic Genie at the end just waiting to grant your wishes. He loses it after this and his blind rage makes him get captured by the Russians. Jakota likes to taunt him by doing pushups in the hot sun (to show off his muscles) while we get a nice long torture montage. Jakota  also has a compulsion to say the word 'Amerikanski', especially in slow motion while falling off a cliff.  Fortunately for us, no army can control the force that is Strike Commando, and the best part is that just when you think it's over, it ain't over because there's always one more score to settle. Soon enough, you too will be screaming 'Ja-Ko-Ta!' whenever your heart yearns for vengeance.

The Outing AKA The Lamp (1987 87 minutes)

People will never learn. Those magic lamps are  a ruse and the Genie inside just wants to get out and kick ass on mankind. The people on the old timey boat didn't get it. Those 3 swamp hillbillies who broke into that old witch's house to steal her riches didn't get it and the group of teenagers who decide to spend the night in the museum after the field trip certainly don't get it. And then you've got that awful ex-boyfriend Mike to deal with. He thinks he's so cool with his sunglasses on a string and sleeveless shirt and tie. He's a reckless driver, picks fights with girls, says the 'N' word and carries a butterfly knife. But he must have some powerful friends because 5 minutes after getting arrested he's at school pushing your face in a locker and then after getting kicked out of school he's hanging out right outside. Oh, and he'll be at the museum tonight too, along with that genie. We get death by ceiling fan, spear, poison snake attack, ceremonial horned mask, reanimated mummy, and giant genie demon before it's all said and done. I bet that lamp is still around somewhere just waiting for another dumbass to rub it.

Cyborg Cop II (1994 97 minutes)

As great as the first one is, this has 10 X more slow motion gunfight explosions in the first few minutes as 2 rival drug lords go at it. Enter hothead Jack Ryan and his fanny pack  who gets all pissed off and screws everything up, getting his partner killed in the process. The most dangerous of the drug guys is taken alive and of course our stupid government takes over and ships him off to a secret lab where they are working on creating the perfect cyborg soldier. The fatal design flaw is that their central cores are contained inside ordinary baseball caps and the humans are so arrogant they think they can control them with these little wristbands. So the drug lord turned cyborg becomes self aware, renames himself Spartacus, breaks those cheap wristbands and rallies the other cyborgs to blow the crap out of the lab with flamethrowers and kill all of the scientists. Then they somehow get the knowledge to clone themselves and start to create a cyborg army because humans are pathetic and the only place this can be headed is a showdown with Jack Ryan filled with more fanny pack kung fu rocket launcher slow motion glass breaking police car blowing up - ness than deserves to be in one movie. Beware of Cyborg Cop III, though, as it's not very good. 

Cyborg Cop (1993 95 minutes)

Jack Ryan is an ass kicking DEA agent with a matching leather jacket and fanny pack who gets suspended for kicking too much ass. His brother, who is also an agent, goes on a secret mission someplace that looks like the Bahamas. This mission goes SNAFU when the local drug lord (played by the guy who was the dwarf in the Lord of the Rings movies) sets a trap for his team. See, the drug lords' secret agenda is making cyborg assassins to sell to the highest bidder on the black market - the drug trade just finances it.  His other major invention is a robot arm that sticks out of the wall and answers the telephone. Of course Jacks' brother gets turned into a cyborg which pisses Jack off even more so he has to go there and raise a ruckus. This is all full of slow motion motorcycle gunfight explosion robot punching through someone's skull  battle craziness and even car chases in the Bahamas have to be set to Hillbilly banjo music + it has the all time great line 'give him the voodoo face treatment and dump his body  near the shanty town'

Fatal Pulse (1988 86 minutes)

 

A black gloved stalker  is killing the residents of the local sorority house and they probably won't vacate the premises until it's way too late. This is so firmly planted on the 80's that someone is actually killed with a vinyl LP record. It also has leg warmers, a mini trampoline, skateboards, a deranged caretaker who has 'Nam flashbacks (played by Martin Sheen's brother), a midpoint music montage complete with sax solo,  way too elaborate deaths by electrocution and plaster of paris, and the police investigator is played by a porno actor. It also has the awesome characters of Brad - the tough wanna be boyfriend who talks through his teeth and pouts like a cross between Joe Piscopo and Robert Smith of the Cure, and Mark - the ultimate party bud who walks around with a bong, wears one of those novelty baseball caps with the gold wings on them, and is heralded with a sound effect from Benny Hill every time he shows up onscreen What he does at the end will either amaze you or piss you off. Brad we still hate you.

Cyber Tracker (1994 91 minutes)

In the future, the justice system will be run by computers who will use cyborgs that drive around in humvees shooting criminals with rocket launchers. Since these computers still look like those old Commodore 64's that you played Zork on with a 5 1/4" floppy, there's bound to be some problems. Thankfully, there's the UHR (Union for Human Rights), a bunch of moms and people who look like they're from Seattle who sit around drinking coffee and eating muffins (probably dumpster dived) plotting to stop this tyranny. Don the Dragon Wilson shows up to help them after he gets double crossed by a crooked senator and police chief who are working with the Cybertech company. He takes his shirt off a bunch of times and kicks Richard Norton's butt.. This is a little light on the action on the middle but still has enough people falling through glass in slow motion and big explosions (like a helicopter and a fire truck) + it has one of those crazy 'we created robots because humans are soulless zombies' rants and the line 'computers killed my brother!'. Also, it's about time a cyborg movie quoted Ayn Rand.

 

Night of the Demon (1980 92 minutes)

My step brother believes in Bigfoot - he sets up recording equipment in the woods and says he has proof. He also says the DNR doesn't t want to admit the species exists because that would mean they would need to be regulated like deer and would be too costly. If he's right. let's hope the creatures aren't anything like the killing machine depicted here. Stock nature footage music gives way to one note synthesizer bleats as bigfoot deals out death after death - from the biker who stopped to take a whizz to the frisky couple in the van. It is even clever enough to use weapons like an axe, pitchfork, someone's intestine's, and in one crazy sequence, grabs the arms of 2 girl scouts holding knives and forces them to stab each other repeatedly like 2 sick puppets.  Into the fray steps professor Nugent and his group of plucky students searching for someone's lost dad and proof of the missing link. Eventually we witness the crazed ritual of the secret backwoods bigfoot cult and (in a flashback within a flashback) the ungodly mating ritual of the creature as he rapes Crazy Wanda. By this time, your head should be ready to explode with the thought of Bigfoot actually existing. I just  hope my step brother doesn't make him mad.