Dead Girls (1990 105 minutes)

The Band Dead Girls take their image seriously. They have names like Bertha Beirut and Nancy Napalm (who dresses in fatigues and has a guitar shaped like an M-16), and songs like You've Got To Kill Yourself and Nailgun Murders. They have loyal fans that form suicide pacts - like the singer's younger sister - she's the only one who who survives one such death circle and the band is so distraught they need to take a few days off at a cabin in the woods. Lots of people hate the Dead Girls too, like the sisters' Aunt, the town minister, the sheriff who burns all of their records, and the mystery character who dresses in this sweet trenchcoat, fedora, and skull mask and kills them based on lyrics to their songs. This may be one of the only rock n roll slasher movies where we don't get to see the band play or even practice, although we do kind of get to hear one of their songs (it sounds like 45 Grave). It may bit about 15 minutes too long, but it does have a mentally unbalanced handyman named Elmo, a particularly nasty axe killing, and about 10 trick endings.

Gymkata (1985 90 minutes)

A supremely skilled gymnast must train even harder to enter 'The Game' in the country of Parmistan so the USA can put a strategic missile tracking site there. The guy who plays the gymnast was already 5 years past his athletic prime when this was made but he can still walk  up a flight of stairs on his hands (part of his training) like nobodies business. There are some guys who don't want him to make it and they even kidnap the Princess  of Parmistan to try to stop him so there are some shootouts, axe attacks, and even a car crash. The Game itself is a series of obstacles (like rope climbs) where guys in hoods shoot at you with arrows, all culminating in this closed off village where the country sends it's most dangerous crazy people, I swear they stole this part of the movie for the Resident Evil 4 game. Thankfully there are some strategically placed exercise equipment around for the gymnast to fight on, including a pommel horse part where they fight for about 20 minutes. Any country that would base its political future on guys named Thorg running around in a swamp beating up other guys deserves all of the imperialism it gets. All you had to do was say this was directed by the same guy who did Black Belt Jones and Deadly Eyes and I'm all over it + it has a really long slo-motion scene.

 

Scorpion Thunderbolt (1985 86 minutes) / Oily Maniac (1976 84 minutes)

I'm not really a big fan of chinese horror movies because most of them basically involve someone throwing up centipedes for 20 minutes and then 2 wizards shoot some fireballs at each other. Thankfully these 2 are different. Scorpion Thunderbolt is by Godfrey Ho, the master of taking footage from 3 or 4 other movies and making a brand new one. It has a woman reporter who is cursed by a witch to turn into a snake monster who attacks people so the witch can have blood. Then Richard Harrison (star of about 100 Ninja movies) shows up and the movie goes all 9 1/2 Weeks for a minute until we realize that he has this ring that is the only thing that can stop the witch and the witch keeps sending people to kill him. We get some angry dancing to Herbie Hancock type music and some more killing by the snake monster and then the reporter falls in love (with a cop no less) which leads to the big showdown with the whole police force. I didn't even mention the flute playing guy who keeps showing up for no reason or the crazy cat eating guy who the police try to catch using a big net. I don't think there are enough drugs on the planet to recreate what was captured here.

Oily Maniac is a more straightforward story of a handicapped guy whose uncle gives him a secret spell that will turn him into an invincible sludge monster. He works at this sleazy lawyer's office and ends up seeing so much corruption and evil doing that it drives him nuts and forces him to turn into the sludge monster to exact revenge - are you trying to molest the girl he loves? - he'll smash you! - Are you  the illegal plastic surgeon who botches jobs and gets away with it? - He'll stomp your head! He can have humanoid form to pound on you like a wrestler or move more swiftly as a blob and cover over your car as you try to get away. He's almost like a super hero and this plays like one of those 1950's rubber monster matinees - except with a lot more raping and head squishing.

Miami Connection (1986, 82 minutes)

  

A gang of motorcycle riding Ninjas bust up a drug deal and steal all of the coke  (the opening theme song even has the line 'stealing your cocaine') and we meet the toughest gang in all of central Florida - the gooniest bunch to ever lace up camouflage pants. But then there's Dragon Sound, a band consisting of orphans who all live together and practice Tae Kwon Doe and are the new hot act in town. Too bad the new singer's older brother is leader of the tough gang and work with the Miami Ninja. When Dragon Sound perform their hit 'Against The Ninja' they're basically begging for a fight which soon takes place in the deserted streets of Orlando as the band beats up about 90 guys. Then we get a subplot about one of the band members' search for his father ('I did not know....you had a father', says the Tae Kwon Do master) and some talk about the band going on a world tour to unite everyone's love  for martial arts. Things escalate as the tough gang, including one guy in a sweet Pink Floyd hat, kidnaps one of the band members, which leads to more fights and then the Miami Ninjas break out the swords and throwing stars. Unfortunately, they picked the wrong musicians to mess with. This is probably the greatest rock n roll ninja movie ever

Lost Empire (1985 83 minutes)

Some yo-yo wielding ninjas kill some cops while looking for a secret stone so the sister of one the cops (who is also a cop)  has to go to this island with 2 other woman to halt a skull faced cult leader's  evil plans for some kind of world domination (it was all explained in one of those scroll down intros). This has a decapitation, a sword through the head, a robot spider, lesbian prison dominatrix battles, about 50 boobs, the tall guy from Phantasm and more one liners than an old Bob Hope movie, but the real reason to see this is Blackie Dammett. Blackie, who is the dad of the Red Hot Chili Peppers singer,( he lives around here and now looks like Count Bloodcount from that old Bugs Bunny cartoon) had a small film career in stuff like Lethal Weapon and even

an episode of Alf. Here he plays a sniveling cop who secretly works for the cult too. He wanders around the island with a gorilla on a chain looking for women to molest (not much of a stretch from real life). In the end he gets his crotch blown off by a very phallic looking laser. That was like the cherry on top of this awesome birthday cake

Shock 'Em Dead (1991 93 minutes)

After the worst ever version of Purple Haze we see a horrible band with the horrible name of Spastique Colon trying out guitarists. Some nerd who can't play tries out but gets laughed at so he has this Voodoo woman put a spell on him that turns him into Total Rock Dude. Now he has a Sid Vicious poster on his wall and a TSOL t-shirt so he's all set and tries out again and blows the band away with his fretboard gymnastics. This must've been made during the height of the Joe Satriani/Yngwie Malmsteen phase in rock history because that's the only time that kind of butchery was considered awesome. Too bad the downside to all of this is that now he has to kill people and suck out their life force to keep going. If this was just another movie about vampires or witches i'd be bored but the completely overboard rock nonsense keeps me hooked. There's a rap song that's incredibly ridiculous, one of those total metal 2-necked guitars, that neon lime green color that was only popular in 1991, a guy with no shirt and suspenders like David Lee Roth, and another band called Creeping Flesh. It was even better the 2nd time I watched it.

Night Train To Terror (1985. 93 minutes)

God and Satan argue on a train full of break dancing 80's rock extras while deciding the souls of the characters in 3 stories - those stories being edited down versions of 3 other movies : ScreamYour Head Off, Death Wish Club, and Cataclysm - since you get quick versions of the 3 stories stuff is constantly happening - a drug induced mental patient kidnaps women so the guy from Night Court can chop up their bodies and sell the parts, A giant claymation bug escapes a suicide club's ritual and stings some guy making out in a park making his face explode, nazi hunters go after a guy who could be satan and more claymation monters come out of the ground to attack. This thing has beheadings, electrocutions, Cameron Mitchell, a nazi satan monster, people getting run over, brain surgery and even an explosion + each story is buffered by this cornball proto new wave band complete with saxaphone solo. Does it get any better than this?

The Checklist

1. Hopefully made between the late 70's and early 90's

2. Runs about 90 minutes long.  
3. Should observe the 10 minute rule, meaning something should happen every 10 minutes or so. That something being an explosion, car chase, gunfight, monster attack etc. In a pinch, some crazy dialog or character antics will do  
4. Slow motion is always a good thing - especially explosions - nice fiery dangerous ones  
5. It's ok (encouraged) to rip off the classics: Rambo, Predator, Robocop, Die Hard, Dawn of the Dead, Alien, Jaws, Road Warrior, Halloween etc 
6. It's better to be unintentionally funny than campy. Be sincere.