Ghoul School (1990 74 minutes)

At Trenchcoat Mafia High (somewhere in the middle of New Jersey), 2 former students have a plan to rob the janitor's secret stash of something - unfortunately while messing around in the basement they release some kind of toxic chemical that gets into the water that turns the swim team into zombies. Meanwhile, old-timey New York TV personality Joe Franklin has a phone conversation where he acts like the phone is going to give him cooties and then Jackie the Joke Man Martling shows up for rapid fire joke time. Back at the school, 2 nerds watch a bootleg video of Robot Ninja while the struggling rock band Bloodsucking Ghouls practice for their big gig coming up at the school dance. All you need to know is the lead singer's name is Blade and he has a knee length leather jacket with fringes on it. Finally the zombies start attacking and everyone goes bonkers. This is all full of off-kilter elements - the members of Bloodsucking Ghouls have obviously never touched instruments before, the basketball team has only 5 guys and can't even do a lay up drill , the cops that show up have a shotgun that's about a foot too short, and everyone has their shirts way too tucked in. Luckily, you get an axe in the crotch here and a nail in the eye there so its' all good in the end. The origins of Jersey Shore? Right here, brother.

 

Parole Violators (1994 87 minutes)

Ex cop Miles Long does a show called Video Cop where he catches on tape ex cons doing more crimes and then he beats them up, leaving them ductaped to a telephone pole for the police to pick up. Generic cholo Chino gets out on parole (Miles busted him 6 years ago for being a child molester) and Miles is waiting for him, camera in hand and promises Chino he will catch him in the act again. Then Miles has a yelling conversation with his cop ex-girlfriend and they try to rekindle the old flame (" the dinner was cold but everything else was hot") before heading out to the park with her daughter. Chino can stay straight for only about 5 minutes before kidnapping another little girl but luckily Miles is right there to chase them. Chino gets away only  after Miles gets hit by a car about 3 times and falls off a cliff but Chino swears revenge and kidnaps the ex-girlfriends daughter. Then the rest of the movie (about an hour) is one fight after another as Miles and the mom try to get her back. This is like one extended Jackass stunt as Miles gets the bejeepers beaten out of him time and time again but keeps coming. At one point Chino has the daughter tied up on a raft in a pool and starts poking holes in the raft as Miles has to fight off a bunch of guys and that's not even close to the climax so get used to the 2 note background fighting music. There's only a brief respite at the hospital for a touching scene where the mom prays for forgiveness for cussing out her daughter but 2 minutes later she has a shotgun in her hand blowing away a gang of skinheads that Chino recruits to protect him. What's not to love - there's bad grammar ("Miles, your luck has just ran out") - one thug  wears a Samhain shirt ,gets beaten with a 2 x 4, and talks like one of those dolls where you pull the string - another thug is named Goon, really hates bird references,  has a queasy scene where the mom tries to seduce him and then falls for the old 'shake the bush while you're back there peeing so i know you're still there' ploy - and then as one guy is falling off a roof his slow motion scream sounds like a Tie Fighter coming straight at you

Twisted Nightmare (1982/1987 90 minutes)

An odd assortment of college students head up to Camp Paradise. There's the muscular Korean guy with the crossbow, the black guy who looks like Quark from Star Trek and Dean the Party Machine, who has a bad back, anger management problems, and really hates being called 'pussy'. The rest of the kids act like they've never even seen each other before, which is strange because a flashback shows they were at that exact place two years ago when the handicapped younger brother of one of them spontaneously combusts after being picked on. He's been waiting in the woods ever since for revenge. His  sister lights black candles and cuts herself and there's some reference to an Indian curse and some devil worshipping but this is really about some big hairy burned guy stomping a mudhole on everyone. One couple falls for the old 'kittens in the barn' ploy, others die by bear trap and getting impaled on deer antlers. The best is when the old coot sheriff gets his head torn off and then the convulsing body shoots it's own head when it hits the ground. Take that you dumb cop! Dean gets really pissed when someone puts sugar in his gas tank and then flips off the killer, only to get zapped by an electrified fence. Whenever someone is in peril, underwater Jimmy Page jams with the drummer for the Power Station in the background and then there's a big explosion. You can't go wrong with that.

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985 72 minutes)

This starts off with some stolen footage from Deathstalker (1983) and Sorceress (1982) but where those movies were too preoccupied with boobs to be much fun, this is all about the wonder of a child's imagination. An evil wizard is doing some conquering when the good wizard entrusts his son with a ring of power and sends him off to escape into the woods. The kid loses the ring in about 10 seconds but he does have a companion creature (who looks like a cross between a sheep and Chewbacca and  sounds like a mix of Foster Brooks and the Swedish Chef from the Muppet show) to keep him company. They meet up with Bo Svenson(as a master swordsman) and  go on a quest to recover the ring and a sword of power to defeat the evil wizard who really hates midget henchman. Along the way there are many trials including a woman that turns into a gross spider monster, skeleton warriors, a cave full of ghosts, and a huge headed warrior that turns out to be a cyclops + some brightly colored optical effect wizard laser light battles that outdo CGI anyday. And all of this happens in just over  an hour? Huzzah!

Demon Queen (1986 54 minutes) / Scream Dream (1989 69 minutes)

In Demon Queen, a woman who was probably third runner up in the local Pat Benatar lookalike contest is some sort of demon vampire who likes to take guys to hotel rooms,  rip their hearts out, and smear the blood all over herself.  She hooks up with lowly drug dealer Jesse and chaos ensues. This is all full of crazy jump cuts and music edits, a seriously long dream sequence with the synthesizer left on autopilot, a deformed midget drug dealer in a tie and blue jeans, a completely out of place visit to a video store to discuss the merits of Make Them Die Slowly, sound effects from a ping pong battle in an outer space vacuum chamber, a mall food court hookup  montage, the hit song 'let me be your angelfire' a bunch of nasty throat rippings, and yet another visit to that video store - all of this happens in less than a hour and if you take away the opening and closing credits and that dream sequence it happens in about 25 minutes. Genius.

The band Rikk-O-Shay had it made. They had a hit in 'Scream Dream', a burly ex-football player type guitarist with a cool white striped Explorer, not one but two fancy dancing backup singers, fans who 'think Van Halen is elevator music' and a big tour lined up. Too bad their lead singer, Michelle Shock, is a devil worshipper who's into human sacrifice. Her number one fan steals his girlfriend's car payment money to go see the concert and she repays him by sprouting demon hands and then biting his johnson off. The she gets fired from the gig for being so crazy so she goes to the county fair to pick up some more studs to sacrifice. The one backup singer with the fringed leather jacket and white turtleneck (he looks like the one armed guy from Def Leppard - but with both arms) has to kill her, but her one hand crawls away and a rubbery demon puppet mouth chews on stuff. Meanwhile, the band is still sweating it out making background music like an endless doom metal / sabbath riff and then their manager hires a new singer who promptly gets possessed by the Michelle Shock demon. At their next gig they perform their new hit 'Ballbuster for your love' before the new singer commits groupie-cide on a couple of faces. Can she be stopped so the tour can continue? This is so great that the 'angelfire' song even makes a cameo. I declare director Donald Farmer to be the master of white trash vampire fantasy metal videos.

R.O.T.O.R (1988 89 minutes)

Back when gas was 69 cents a gallon, director Cullen Blaine had a vision of a Texas sized combination or Robocop and Terminator. Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research is the brainchild of Coldyron, a no nonsense Dallas police captain who just wants to get the scum off the streets. His cyborg cop is outfitted with a combat chassis made of an 'unknown' alloy, has a standard cop mustache, and  the ability to see backwards through time. He is also rendered helpless by honking your car horn repeatedly. After Coldyron has an argument with some politican over funding, ROTOR gets prematurely released in an accident and proceeds to wreak havoc on a couple caught speeding. He shoots the guy and spends the rest of the movie chasing the woman all over Texas. It's up to Coldyron to put an end to the robotic killing spree.

  

This has the best dialog west of a David Mamet play:
"I'll make more noise than 2 skeletons making love in a tin coffin, BROTHER"
"The only difference between heroes and villains is is the amount of compensation they receive for  their services"
"I got more than a newspaper, and you get to guess what it is"
"You look like you got both eyes comin' out of the same whole"
"ROTOR will walk through a busload of nuns to get to a jaywalker"
Plus there's so much more: the suave janitor Shooboogie (whose Native American anecdote is referenced at the climax), a comic relief robot that reads Creepy magazine, a guy with giant fake buck teeth, a nice 'going out to lunch' music montage, and Coldyron's scientist partner who looks like a cross between Bride of Frankenstein and a wrestler from GLOW.
I would say Mr. Blaine got it just right

 

Project Shadowchaser (1992 92 minutes)

Romulus the cyborg (who looks like the old wrestler Sting or Guile from the Streetfighter game) gets mad at his creators and puts a scientist's head through a computer monitor. Then he is somehow able to recruit a gang of mercenaries to go all Die Hard at a Hospital where the President's daughter (played by Meg Foster - the woman with the creepy eyes from They Live) just so  happens to work. The best idea the police can come up with is to revive the hospital's architect, who's been frozen in a cryogenic prison, except they can't even do that right and accidentally wake up an ex-football hero (played by Martin Kove - the bad sensei in Karate Kid) instead.  Even after the feds figure out the mistake they still go through with their fool plan of infiltrating with hospital which gets all of the SWAT guys killed and leaves the football hero alone against the cyborg - so you know the final battle is going to involve throwing some kind of 'touchdown pass' while the building explodes. Along the way we get a bunch of crawling around in air vents, some cyber Blade Runner-isms, a couple of double crosses, and even a robotic surprise or 2 + Martin Kove has this sweet beard after waking up from his cryogenic sleep.