Cross Mission (1989 93 minutes)

Sleazy General Romero, the dictator of some unknown South American country, pledges to the cameras to stop the drug lords and their evil ways and then he burns some token crops. Too bad he is secretly the biggest of the drug lords and he is trying to weed out the competition. Some guy from America working for 'The Organization'  (but he may also be working undercover) hooks up with a nosy reporter and goes to pay the general a visit. Deep in the jungle, the rebel forces have been waiting for their moment to strike. This could have been another of your average gunfights in the Amazons type movie until the general reveals his secret Macumba Voodoo powers he learned from his mother. Poof! First he makes a little creepy mini me (the same guy who played the title character in Ratman) appear in a cloud of smoke. Then he zaps the reporter with blue rays from his fingertips, saying they are better then any lie detector-  "Hands that can cure....or kill!.....Annihilate!". If this doesn't send your brain into outer space then i don't know how to help you.  The American and the reporter somehow get caught up in the crossfire between the rebels and the general's men. They get captured by the army and are to be sent to the infamous Camp 5 prison when the rebels rescue them. Luckily, the American is some sort of Commando type and is able to lead them on an assault of the infamous camp. The reporter doesn't fare so well as she gets zapped again by the general. Don't worry, the mini me makes a few more appearances as well before the explosion filled finale. Poof!

Galaxy Of Terror (1981 81 minutes)

On the Alien rip off planet of Morganthus, the last survivor of an exploring spaceship gets blasted by some unknown force causing the Planet Master of Xerxes to send out a rescue party of his own hand picked crew. This is the oddest crew ever since it contains Sid Haig, Joanie from Happy Days, the guy who played Freddie Kreuger, and the guy who was My Favorite Martian. They get to the planet and find no survivors but now they are being stalked by some unknown force. For some reason they decide to incinerate every corpse they find. After awhile they come across some ruins that could have been designed by Gary Numan.

Then comes the craziest 10 minutes ever: Sid Haig is pouting over losing his sacred crystal throwing weapons when they magically piece themselves back together but when he reaches for them they attack him. He cuts off his own arm to save himself but then the severed arm picks up one of the weapons and throws it right at Sid's chest. Then another crew member finds the arm (now all covered in maggots) and incinerates it but not before one of the maggots crawls away and then grows giant size and attacks her with its gross slimy body, ripping her clothes off in the process. What?!?!? Who needs logic when your imagination is cooking up stuff like that. Later on, Freddie Kreuger has to fight his evil twin and then Joanie gets her body all torn apart by tentacles. Could it be that the Planet Master is somehow behind all of this? Things whoosh by so fast you're going to need an oxygen mask by the time the zombies of all the dead crew members show up. Hollywood, if you dare try to remake this I'm going to smash you good.

Blood Beat (1982 83 minutes)

A hunter is out in the woods stalking whoever is playing the haunted version of Phillip Glass on the Casio. He misses and hits a deer instead so he brings it home to the quirky mom who wears a macrame pancho, paints all day, and may or may not have psychic abilities. It's the holidays and her  kids are coming - the son brings his quirky girlfriend who may also have psychic abilities. They go out hunting with some other guy and the girlfriend ruins it by freaking out in the woods and then she runs into another  guy stumbling around that has his guts all stabbed open. At this point I'm lost too. The situation at home is a little tense and the mom just wants to paint so the hunter is all distraught and goes to pout in the corner, watching TV with his headphones on. Meanwhile,  quirky girlfriend finds a suit of samurai armor that magically appears and disappears - is it somehow connected to mom's paintings? Then comes the scene that blows your face off - a random guy is sitting on his

waterbed in his robe and trucker hat playing with his dog named Chewkie and reading the paper. He nags his wife to go make him his nightly tea and orange drink and when she goes to the kitchen a glowing samurai spirit stabs her and then chases the husband all around before it shoots him with an arrow right on front of the house where the main characters live - all  while the quirky girlfriend is convulsing in bed like she's having an orgasm.  What follows is a crazy mix of The Exorcist and Enter The Ninja that  includes assault by

flying kitchen objects, more random samurai attacks on some campers in the woods, stock World War II footage, and the familiar strains of Orff's Carmina Burana during the final battle. The origin or reason for the samurai is never even mentioned or explained. What else would you expect from a director named Fabrice-Ange Zaphiratos

Horror of the Humongous Hungry Hungan (1991 98 minutes)

Jack Palance narrates a few minutes of mumbo jumbo about a voodoo ritual that sounds like it was stolen from the Ripley's Believe it or Not show and then some girl has a bad dream about the Hungan monster chasing her. The Hungan is a strange creature - it's supposed to be some super powerful voodoo zombie created from old human body parts but it looks like the German singer Heino and has one big crazy claw arm like a Resident Evil mutation. 

 
 

Some scientist at the Fitzgerald Institute is busy trying to resurrect one and is able to succeed while the janitor and security guard are busy playing pranks on each other. Cut to a hard rockin' party where a couple dressed in matching shirts ponder whether they can get up early enough the next day to go camping. maybe they should lay off the Mountain Dew. Then they introduce the band Cry Wolf who will play their hit 'It's Getting Better'. What follows is one of the greatest dance party scenes of all time. Meanwhile, the Hungan is busy killing a bunch of people including nurses, waitresses and a couple of winos. I'm not up on all of my Monster Rules, but at one point the Hungan seems to be chewing gum. Back at the party, a Pee Wee Herman impersonator temporarily invades the dance floor but the band sets him straight before blasting out another jam. The same girl has another bad dream and some more party goers wonder about getting up early enough to go camping (Bad Dream Girl is going with them). We are forced to look at one colorfully mulleted dude in his banana hammock undies before the troop finally sets off into the woods. The Hungan is there waiting, patiently chewing his gum. Hopefully, someone will have some leftover fireworks stashed in their truck to blast that thing back to hell before everyone gets massacred. this stuff is like folk art to me: real people telling a scary monster story but at the same time telling another story about what it was like to be growing up in 1990 - and not one of them stared into the camera during that dance scene.

 

Raiders of Atlantis (1983 88 minutes)

Miami 1994. You've just completed a mission kidnapping some old guy and now you're paid and off to an  island to hide out. Your only worry is that horrible disco song Black Inferno is stuck in your head. At the same time, some scientists are trying to raise a sunken Russian sub which may hold the key to this 12, 000 year old artifact they're trying to decipher. Their efforts  cause a tidal wave which raises the sub as well as this island with a big dome over it. All of the sudden the craziest looking Road Warrior clones you've ever seen show up and start killing everyone. It seems that  they are the spirits of Atlantis from the domed island. 'We have come back to the world  that has always been ours You have no  place in it - you cannot defend yourselves. Our civilization does not accept intruders...you have violated our world...all of you will be EX-E-CUT-ED!' says the leader with the crystal skull mask. The kidnappers rescue the remaining scientists and end up right in harms way.  Explosions. Flamethrowers. Three wheeled motorcycles with giant spikes on them. An awesome sequence involving a jukebox and a dangling corpse's feet making that disco song skip. Helicopter attacks. The female scientist gets taken by the raiders and the kidnappers have to get her back. The raiders have a metallic echoing death scream whenever they bite the dust (which happens many many times). This is like the 10 best movies all smashed together into one. Director Ruggero Deodato staked his claim with the infamous Cannibal Holocaust. Raiders of Atlantis puts him into the stratosphere.

 

Goblin (1993 75 minutes)

Some people can get their friends to do anything. Consider Todd Sheets, director of the Zombie Bloodbath trilogy and this lesser known gem - he can get his friends to endure having pig intestines (or whatever it is) thrown on them for minutes at a time while he films it in an awesome heavy metal nerd attempt at gore. This story concerns a group of post high school teens who have just rented a house. One of them dresses just like my brother did in the 90's with a Dork Knob Ponytail and oversized sherbert colored shirt tucked in way too much. They unknowingly unleash the title monster, who looks more like a fat guy in some rags and a Goofa Man mask than anything, and it starts terrorizing everyone with power tools and saws. At one point, one of the heavy metal girls changes from one pair of acid wash jean shorts into another less gaudy pair only to climb a ladder before getting clobbered by the Goblin. I guess she didn't want pig intestines on her concert-goin' outfit. The teens decide to fight back and the lead guy looks right into the camera and says 'Were gonna fix the Goblin's engine!'. I wanted to punch that guy right through the screen at that point. They get a rototiller and chase the fat Goblin around with it before it turns the tables and chases them around with it  just like a Scooby Doo episode. Then another heavy metal guy in a leather jacket and workout shorts shows up and snoops around. This wouldn't be a big deal but it  goes on for a full 10 MINUTES before he gets goozled by the Goblin with a pair of grass clippers, all while some song goes on and on about evil never sleeping. It's not even to the part where the zombies show up yet. Goblin stinkin' rules.

The Sisterhood (1988 88 minutes)

In the year 2021, after the nuclear holocaust, some women who have strange powers (like being able to shoot laser beams from your eyes and esp with animals) band together to form The Sisterhood. Many of them were captured at the Battle of 12 trees but two still roam the wasteland looking for a way to free the others. Meanwhile, a leader of some raiders gives a heartfelt speech about finding parts for his great War Wagon ( "Kill, pillage, rape...do whatever feels good....but whatever you do, do not come back without those parts I need!") before attacking the small village where the woman who played the blind girl in Ice Castles lives. The raiders  kill her brother which makes her mad so she ends up with The Sisterhood (because she has secret powers too). At one point they get chased by some mutants into the  Forbidden Zone and end up finding a cave with a vault in it just like in the Fallout games. It's all full of weapons and even an armored vehicle with rocket launchers + they even have instructions on how to use them. Say your prayers, stupid  raiders with your beards and your sexist war mongering ways. This plays out like a Society For Creative Anochronisms wet dream future come true -  one where you run around with swords and armor made out of a hubcap and speak in quasi medieval slang but at the same time you are still allowed modern conveniences like bubble baths, jukeboxes, cut off jean shorts and Valley Girl - isms like 'Chow Down!'. Don't forget to meet at Dynamite Willies.