Galaxy Of Terror (1981 81 minutes)

On the Alien rip off planet of Morganthus, the last survivor of an exploring spaceship gets blasted by some unknown force causing the Planet Master of Xerxes to send out a rescue party of his own hand picked crew. This is the oddest crew ever since it contains Sid Haig, Joanie from Happy Days, the guy who played Freddie Kreuger, and the guy who was My Favorite Martian. They get to the planet and find no survivors but now they are being stalked by some unknown force. For some reason they decide to incinerate every corpse they find. After awhile they come across some ruins that could have been designed by Gary Numan.

Then comes the craziest 10 minutes ever: Sid Haig is pouting over losing his sacred crystal throwing weapons when they magically piece themselves back together but when he reaches for them they attack him. He cuts off his own arm to save himself but then the severed arm picks up one of the weapons and throws it right at Sid's chest. Then another crew member finds the arm (now all covered in maggots) and incinerates it but not before one of the maggots crawls away and then grows giant size and attacks her with its gross slimy body, ripping her clothes off in the process. What?!?!? Who needs logic when your imagination is cooking up stuff like that. Later on, Freddie Kreuger has to fight his evil twin and then Joanie gets her body all torn apart by tentacles. Could it be that the Planet Master is somehow behind all of this? Things whoosh by so fast you're going to need an oxygen mask by the time the zombies of all the dead crew members show up. Hollywood, if you dare try to remake this I'm going to smash you good.

Blood Beat (1982 83 minutes)

A hunter is out in the woods stalking whoever is playing the haunted version of Phillip Glass on the Casio. He misses and hits a deer instead so he brings it home to the quirky mom who wears a macrame pancho, paints all day, and may or may not have psychic abilities. It's the holidays and her  kids are coming - the son brings his quirky girlfriend who may also have psychic abilities. They go out hunting with some other guy and the girlfriend ruins it by freaking out in the woods and then she runs into another  guy stumbling around that has his guts all stabbed open. At this point I'm lost too. The situation at home is a little tense and the mom just wants to paint so the hunter is all distraught and goes to pout in the corner, watching TV with his headphones on. Meanwhile,  quirky girlfriend finds a suit of samurai armor that magically appears and disappears - is it somehow connected to mom's paintings? Then comes the scene that blows your face off - a random guy is sitting on his

waterbed in his robe and trucker hat playing with his dog named Chewkie and reading the paper. He nags his wife to go make him his nightly tea and orange drink and when she goes to the kitchen a glowing samurai spirit stabs her and then chases the husband all around before it shoots him with an arrow right on front of the house where the main characters live - all  while the quirky girlfriend is convulsing in bed like she's having an orgasm.  What follows is a crazy mix of The Exorcist and Enter The Ninja that  includes assault by

flying kitchen objects, more random samurai attacks on some campers in the woods, stock World War II footage, and the familiar strains of Orff's Carmina Burana during the final battle. The origin or reason for the samurai is never even mentioned or explained. What else would you expect from a director named Fabrice-Ange Zaphiratos

Horror of the Humongous Hungry Hungan (1991 98 minutes)

Jack Palance narrates a few minutes of mumbo jumbo about a voodoo ritual that sounds like it was stolen from the Ripley's Believe it or Not show and then some girl has a bad dream about the Hungan monster chasing her. The Hungan is a strange creature - it's supposed to be some super powerful voodoo zombie created from old human body parts but it looks like the German singer Heino and has one big crazy claw arm like a Resident Evil mutation. 

 
 

Some scientist at the Fitzgerald Institute is busy trying to resurrect one and is able to succeed while the janitor and security guard are busy playing pranks on each other. Cut to a hard rockin' party where a couple dressed in matching shirts ponder whether they can get up early enough the next day to go camping. maybe they should lay off the Mountain Dew. Then they introduce the band Cry Wolf who will play their hit 'It's Getting Better'. What follows is one of the greatest dance party scenes of all time. Meanwhile, the Hungan is busy killing a bunch of people including nurses, waitresses and a couple of winos. I'm not up on all of my Monster Rules, but at one point the Hungan seems to be chewing gum. Back at the party, a Pee Wee Herman impersonator temporarily invades the dance floor but the band sets him straight before blasting out another jam. The same girl has another bad dream and some more party goers wonder about getting up early enough to go camping (Bad Dream Girl is going with them). We are forced to look at one colorfully mulleted dude in his banana hammock undies before the troop finally sets off into the woods. The Hungan is there waiting, patiently chewing his gum. Hopefully, someone will have some leftover fireworks stashed in their truck to blast that thing back to hell before everyone gets massacred. this stuff is like folk art to me: real people telling a scary monster story but at the same time telling another story about what it was like to be growing up in 1990 - and not one of them stared into the camera during that dance scene.

 

Raiders of Atlantis (1983 88 minutes)

Miami 1994. You've just completed a mission kidnapping some old guy and now you're paid and off to an  island to hide out. Your only worry is that horrible disco song Black Inferno is stuck in your head. At the same time, some scientists are trying to raise a sunken Russian sub which may hold the key to this 12, 000 year old artifact they're trying to decipher. Their efforts  cause a tidal wave which raises the sub as well as this island with a big dome over it. All of the sudden the craziest looking Road Warrior clones you've ever seen show up and start killing everyone. It seems that  they are the spirits of Atlantis from the domed island. 'We have come back to the world  that has always been ours You have no  place in it - you cannot defend yourselves. Our civilization does not accept intruders...you have violated our world...all of you will be EX-E-CUT-ED!' says the leader with the crystal skull mask. The kidnappers rescue the remaining scientists and end up right in harms way.  Explosions. Flamethrowers. Three wheeled motorcycles with giant spikes on them. An awesome sequence involving a jukebox and a dangling corpse's feet making that disco song skip. Helicopter attacks. The female scientist gets taken by the raiders and the kidnappers have to get her back. The raiders have a metallic echoing death scream whenever they bite the dust (which happens many many times). This is like the 10 best movies all smashed together into one. Director Ruggero Deodato staked his claim with the infamous Cannibal Holocaust. Raiders of Atlantis puts him into the stratosphere.