Parole Violators (1994 87 minutes)

Ex cop Miles Long does a show called Video Cop where he catches on tape ex cons doing more crimes and then he beats them up, leaving them ductaped to a telephone pole for the police to pick up. Generic cholo Chino gets out on parole (Miles busted him 6 years ago for being a child molester) and Miles is waiting for him, camera in hand and promises Chino he will catch him in the act again. Then Miles has a yelling conversation with his cop ex-girlfriend and they try to rekindle the old flame (" the dinner was cold but everything else was hot") before heading out to the park with her daughter. Chino can stay straight for only about 5 minutes before kidnapping another little girl but luckily Miles is right there to chase them. Chino gets away only  after Miles gets hit by a car about 3 times and falls off a cliff but Chino swears revenge and kidnaps the ex-girlfriends daughter. Then the rest of the movie (about an hour) is one fight after another as Miles and the mom try to get her back. This is like one extended Jackass stunt as Miles gets the bejeepers beaten out of him time and time again but keeps coming. At one point Chino has the daughter tied up on a raft in a pool and starts poking holes in the raft as Miles has to fight off a bunch of guys and that's not even close to the climax so get used to the 2 note background fighting music. There's only a brief respite at the hospital for a touching scene where the mom prays for forgiveness for cussing out her daughter but 2 minutes later she has a shotgun in her hand blowing away a gang of skinheads that Chino recruits to protect him. What's not to love - there's bad grammar ("Miles, your luck has just ran out") - one thug  wears a Samhain shirt ,gets beaten with a 2 x 4, and talks like one of those dolls where you pull the string - another thug is named Goon, really hates bird references,  has a queasy scene where the mom tries to seduce him and then falls for the old 'shake the bush while you're back there peeing so i know you're still there' ploy - and then as one guy is falling off a roof his slow motion scream sounds like a Tie Fighter coming straight at you

Twisted Nightmare (1982/1987 90 minutes)

An odd assortment of college students head up to Camp Paradise. There's the muscular Korean guy with the crossbow, the black guy who looks like Quark from Star Trek and Dean the Party Machine, who has a bad back, anger management problems, and really hates being called 'pussy'. The rest of the kids act like they've never even seen each other before, which is strange because a flashback shows they were at that exact place two years ago when the handicapped younger brother of one of them spontaneously combusts after being picked on. He's been waiting in the woods ever since for revenge. His  sister lights black candles and cuts herself and there's some reference to an Indian curse and some devil worshipping but this is really about some big hairy burned guy stomping a mudhole on everyone. One couple falls for the old 'kittens in the barn' ploy, others die by bear trap and getting impaled on deer antlers. The best is when the old coot sheriff gets his head torn off and then the convulsing body shoots it's own head when it hits the ground. Take that you dumb cop! Dean gets really pissed when someone puts sugar in his gas tank and then flips off the killer, only to get zapped by an electrified fence. Whenever someone is in peril, underwater Jimmy Page jams with the drummer for the Power Station in the background and then there's a big explosion. You can't go wrong with that.

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985 72 minutes)

This starts off with some stolen footage from Deathstalker (1983) and Sorceress (1982) but where those movies were too preoccupied with boobs to be much fun, this is all about the wonder of a child's imagination. An evil wizard is doing some conquering when the good wizard entrusts his son with a ring of power and sends him off to escape into the woods. The kid loses the ring in about 10 seconds but he does have a companion creature (who looks like a cross between a sheep and Chewbacca and  sounds like a mix of Foster Brooks and the Swedish Chef from the Muppet show) to keep him company. They meet up with Bo Svenson(as a master swordsman) and  go on a quest to recover the ring and a sword of power to defeat the evil wizard who really hates midget henchman. Along the way there are many trials including a woman that turns into a gross spider monster, skeleton warriors, a cave full of ghosts, and a huge headed warrior that turns out to be a cyclops + some brightly colored optical effect wizard laser light battles that outdo CGI anyday. And all of this happens in just over  an hour? Huzzah!